Yo guys! It's my first day back to 'school' after 5 yrs... of break and 'free' lives with no 'exam' and 'assignment' commitment. Now, I have set a 'trap' for myself! As I prepared myself this noon for the induction class, my mind is full of wonders whether this place is the one that really suit me? the lecturers going to be with 'quality'? the course mate? and.. all 'wonderful imaginations' are in my mind doing the jigsaw puzzling..
As I made my way to pay the fees and entering the classroom, there's only one lady sitting in the big classroom. I thought it will be like around 1+ plus as I'm there 1/2 hr early.. Time flies, slowly one by one; new faces appeared into the class... starting from the age of around mid 20s to late 40s. WELCOME to the postgraduate class!! This is what pop up into my mind! I sense a 'generation gap'! But.. at the same time, very happy as I know that I have a lot of things to learn from this group of ppl. It's no around 1+plus students, but 34 of them included me!
As the course coordinator going thru the introductions, suddenly my head is heavy and I ended up entertaining my headache rather than listening to her. The headache has reduced after the introduction; but I'm under tremendous emotion disturbed as she said that the college don't offered the specialization that I want and I have to do e-learning??!! I felt that I have been cheated!!! I will see how it goes.. as I have the b&w with me! (for those that reading this, no worries, I will handle it one!)
Back to the class, after seeing so many classmate; I felt so stress that I'm not able to do well. Many times, there's repeated bothering emotions that comes to me and tell me not to continue study anymore and why makes myself so suffer!!! Oh Gosh! What a LOSER I am! The class haven't start, I already want to quit!!
I went to church just now with a very heavy heart and burden soul....
But the sermon today speaks to me and it's a about ' THE PRIESTLY PRIVILEGE of BELIEVER!' I have JESUS CHRIST with me, what should I fear? whom should I fear? It's just an assignment and exam; it's only KNOWLEDGE!! Why should I fear knowledge? I must be kidding myself if I quit and run away from KNOWLEDGE!
Since this is my initial decision and choice that I have make; I will do it to the end!
No REGRET! Cause LORD JESUS is with me on the boat.. so I can face the 'storm' with SMILE!
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Friday, November 7, 2008
your way or the Highway?
Finally it's the end of my busy and hectic 'PR' job for my work stuff. It's great to get to know the person that you have being talking and mailings around 10-15 mails per day and never ever meet before for 5 yrs! It's not my first 'PR' task since working but it seems like my first 'PR' after my superior left and I have to go alone. :-(
Yes, for those who are reading this mail; you might be thinking.."Tracy, it's your chance now! Show all the colors that you have!" Yup, I don't deny that ever since my superior left, I have given more responsibilities and chances. It's pros and cons for me! It's a chance for me to grow and know how much colors that I have to show and use. But at the same time, I understand how hard my superior has fight and defend me previously and how i missed her!! Yes, I don't deny she is a tough one and all my colleagues are amazed on how I can work with her; but we just make the best team!
I have a very tough time yesterday to control my 'emotion' and I had never experience and 'uncontrollable' situation on my emotion especially during any biz meetings! I always kept my own 'professional rules and ways' when I'm at work. But yesterday, it's the first ever in my life that I knew the feeling of being trampled on the ground like an unwanted rose! My eyes are with tears (still inside the eye.. cant let it come out.. so... no one knows!) when I saw my 'ex' superior and it is in front of my guests! I felt so humiliated and why I have to 'suffer' here! Ppl keeps portrayed me as watever 'nonsense' senior and guiding a team .. bla bla bla... and then now.. they 'spit' onto my face in front of my guest and the team. And at the end, they said they are just trying to achieve the outcome to get more 'sales', 'power', and a kind of 'show off'? They claimed that 'it's an 'MOTIVATION' !! Hey guys... if anyone of u reading this and think that ppl spitting onto your face is motivational, be their guests!
I really thank God that I kept quite and be as speechless as possible! Even though how internally I have lost all the emotional control and started to getting tired of listening to any single word that they are talking. The longer that I stayed the faster I will burst out! To be frank, from that moment onwards I have opened up my eyes on the 'real world' on the so-called 'entrepreneur world'. For all the BOMBASTIC words that biz books teached on back-stabbing, red tape and office 'politics'.. I thought that i'm lucky that I dont need to go thru it... I'm absolutely wrong and too innocent to think of the escape!
There's a repeated questions on my mind now whether I should follow their way? the HIGHWAY? or my way? I have my own principles to keep and too much of insecurity and prudence is what I need the most! But will anyone appreciate it? will anyone praise you for this? NO!!!! What they will said is I'm in CRISIS and very DESPERATE!!!! GO and GET it DONE; this is WHY I PAY U so GET IT DONE, I WANT RESULT! How ironic it is when they want result at split second and u need to give them big bucks!
I'm sorry that this round no good testimony to share and it just another pages of my lives that I'm going thru now. I haven't emotionally recovered.... gives me time.. and if you got time.. pray for me.
May God be with you guys too.
Yes, for those who are reading this mail; you might be thinking.."Tracy, it's your chance now! Show all the colors that you have!" Yup, I don't deny that ever since my superior left, I have given more responsibilities and chances. It's pros and cons for me! It's a chance for me to grow and know how much colors that I have to show and use. But at the same time, I understand how hard my superior has fight and defend me previously and how i missed her!! Yes, I don't deny she is a tough one and all my colleagues are amazed on how I can work with her; but we just make the best team!
I have a very tough time yesterday to control my 'emotion' and I had never experience and 'uncontrollable' situation on my emotion especially during any biz meetings! I always kept my own 'professional rules and ways' when I'm at work. But yesterday, it's the first ever in my life that I knew the feeling of being trampled on the ground like an unwanted rose! My eyes are with tears (still inside the eye.. cant let it come out.. so... no one knows!) when I saw my 'ex' superior and it is in front of my guests! I felt so humiliated and why I have to 'suffer' here! Ppl keeps portrayed me as watever 'nonsense' senior and guiding a team .. bla bla bla... and then now.. they 'spit' onto my face in front of my guest and the team. And at the end, they said they are just trying to achieve the outcome to get more 'sales', 'power', and a kind of 'show off'? They claimed that 'it's an 'MOTIVATION' !! Hey guys... if anyone of u reading this and think that ppl spitting onto your face is motivational, be their guests!
I really thank God that I kept quite and be as speechless as possible! Even though how internally I have lost all the emotional control and started to getting tired of listening to any single word that they are talking. The longer that I stayed the faster I will burst out! To be frank, from that moment onwards I have opened up my eyes on the 'real world' on the so-called 'entrepreneur world'. For all the BOMBASTIC words that biz books teached on back-stabbing, red tape and office 'politics'.. I thought that i'm lucky that I dont need to go thru it... I'm absolutely wrong and too innocent to think of the escape!
There's a repeated questions on my mind now whether I should follow their way? the HIGHWAY? or my way? I have my own principles to keep and too much of insecurity and prudence is what I need the most! But will anyone appreciate it? will anyone praise you for this? NO!!!! What they will said is I'm in CRISIS and very DESPERATE!!!! GO and GET it DONE; this is WHY I PAY U so GET IT DONE, I WANT RESULT! How ironic it is when they want result at split second and u need to give them big bucks!
I'm sorry that this round no good testimony to share and it just another pages of my lives that I'm going thru now. I haven't emotionally recovered.... gives me time.. and if you got time.. pray for me.
May God be with you guys too.
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